Eschatology for Modern Living

The Third Presidential Debate, 2008, or Super Happy Fun Debate Times with John McCain, Senator Government and Joe the Plumber!

I sat down to watch the third and final Presidential Debate of 2008 Wednesday night only after I had finished eating half of a very special rice crispy treat and smoked a bit (you can infer what you will from that, Big Brother). I thought it would be the only way I could survive the desperate bitterness I was sure I would feel every time John McCain opened his mouth. As it turns out, it was the best decision I ever could have made.

I was immediately mesmerized by the ties of both candidates. Barack Obama was wearing the most stunningly red striped tie I’d ever seen, while McCain was wearing this sad blue old man tie. It was no contest. I was so mesmerized by these ties that I somehow forgot to listen to anything either of them were saying through that twenty minute period at the beginning where all the analysts seem to be saying McCain actually did well (What? Seriously?). Whatever. We all know McCain fucked up his third debate in a row, but we won’t get into that in too much depth. I’m going to try to focus on all the ways Obama did well tonight. Someone once told me I should be positive on occasion…

The debate began with moderator Bob Schieffer of CBS News asking both candidates to defend their economic plans and explain why it is better than their opponent’s. McCain succeeded only in futilely accusing Obama of “class warfare” by raising taxes in a time of economic crisis. Obama on the other hand was able to easily defend himself against those futile accusations by reminding the audience that people earning under $250,000 per year will receive a tax break and only the rich will receive a tax hike. He repeated that key statistic which seems to be bringing so many doubting lower class Republicans under his wings: 95% of Americans will receive a tax cut under his administration. McCain, of course, had no answer for this except to bring up Joe the Plumber… Holy shit…

Joe the Plumber, a.k.a. Joe Wurzelbacher the Tax-Dodger

McCain brought up an incident where this guy named Joe Wurzelbacher (pictured at left) told Barack Obama a few days before the debate that he wouldn’t be able to buy a plumbing business he’s worked in for lots of years under Barack Obama’s new tax plan. That’ right, its Wurzelbacher, not “Wurzelburger” as McCain said.

Of course, if you’ve ever listened to what Obama plans to do with his tax plan, you’d know that you won’t receive a tax increase unless you make more than $250,000 a year. So that means that Joe Wurzelbacher is rich (…in theory, right? Check out the links below…). So why was McCain calling him Joe the Plumber? It’s not like the guys ever actually put his hand in a toilet for the past few years if he’s somehow worth over $250,000 per year… right?

The answer, by the by, is that McCain wants everyone to think Obama is hiking a plumber’s taxes, which would mean that he’d hike the taxes of all lower class people by implication. It’s almost as if McCain thinks saying that Obama is going to hike poor people’s taxes all over the country will somehow make it true. Nevertheless, Obama did a fine job of reminding the American people that his tax plan was middle and lower class friendly.

By the way, Joe Wurzelbacher has no plumbing license, is not rich, and would only have his taxes increased if he bought the business, which he cannot afford to do… and he owes the state of Ohio $1,200 in unpaid income taxes.

Oh, fuck… sucks to be you right now, McCain. Have fun eating your words, fuckhead.

Who the fuck is Senator Government?

"Hi, I'm Senator Government! Life is swell!"

"Hi, I'm Senator Government! Life is swell!"

At one point, McCain referred to Barack Obama as Senator Government. Yeah, make what you will of that Freudian slip. I’m going to focus on the positives today…


Yeah, it’s positive that Obama was able to resist the urge to skull fuck McCain after he was called Senator Government. Fuck this positive thing… I mean seriously, how evil and absent-minded do you have to be to call your Democratic opponent Senator Government and not catch yourself when you say it? Could you be advertising yourself as more of a Republican asshole, please?

Jesus… the rice crispy euphoria was wearing off far too much by the time McCain let slip the Senator Government comment. I couldn’t handle it. I started screaming and throwing beer bottles at the television. Now I’m $600 in the hole this month for a new HD flatscreen television…


Overall I was very happy with how badly McCain did and how well Obama capitalized on it. Obama was able to diffuse every single negative attack by McCain, and was also able to promote his own ideas as superior. All McCain could do was tear his opponent’s arguments down without any evidence (only the promise of evidence to come, which never comes) to back up his statements. Post-debate snap polls were right behind Obama on who made a better impression to the American people:

I saw on CNN after the debate that if states go for whom they are polling in the Electoral College, John McCain has already lost. See for yourself:

To sum up, things could not really be going any better for Barack Obama after this third Presidential Debate. John McCain is against the ropes in every state that matters and Barack Obama is still gaining steam in many of them. We may see a Democratic victory in this Presidential Election greater than any since the 60’s.

I mean, who can blame all these people for voting Obama? Think of the alternative: a McCain White House which becomes a Palin White House within three months after McCain succumbs to a fatal heart attack during a meeting with heads of state. Just imagine it…

P.S. You should really try to find the deer and shoot it in the link. Only then can you be a true flash game zen master…

Conclusions: Epilogue: Postscript: Outro

To sum up summing up, I found myself passed out in a dumpster somewhere across town the morning after the debate. I must have blacked out for about three to six hours. But what would you expect after shooting a lot of heroin into your eyeballs?* And how could you blame me for doing that after I’d spent ninety minutes of my life I’ll never get back looking into John McCain’s beady old eyes and seeing three letters: an D, an O and an A.

*Not actually true, Big Brother.


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