Eschatology for Modern Living

Archive for November, 2008

H.J. Herrick Addresses Some Criticisms from a Traditional Gothic Heavy Metal Doom Rock Musician, and so on…

bwcrushomeI would like to address a comment left in response to my previous post by an idiotic ideologue (just click here to email the moron if you wish). The comment was left by one Sidney Allen Johnson (pictured at left; and no, I’m not kidding), who is the sole member of a band called the Babylon Mystery Orchestra. This “group” is self-described as “a blend of Gothic and Traditional Rock music with elements of Heavy Metal and Doom that produce that elusive result that so many artists strive for and so few achieve.” What would that be? Total shit?

Anyway, this Sidney dude’s Babylon Mystery Orchestra homepage proudly proclaims that he is personally at war with Muslims, Socialists, and a fictional secret society called the Illuminati. I know you probably think I’m just dreaming this up, but its all there in black and white (literally) on his web page. Just look for yourself. In any case, I will respectfully reprint Mr. Johnson’s argument in its entirety here:

“Two landslides for Bill Clinton? How did someone who did not get 50% of the vote either time suddenly qualify as a landslide winner? He benefited from third party candidates, without which he would never have been elected. Your attempt to rewrite history in your own image is laughable. You must have a college education. No one could have such a fantastically imagined, and distorted, view of the world without some coaching. Its always good to see someone on the ‘tolerant’ left rejoicing in the suggestion of the death of others…you’ll make a fine Muslim some day.

His message begins and you’re thinking, “Okay, he’s not that smart but he’s not totally insane,” but then the thing about me being a death-hungry Muslim arrives and you of course must conclude he is a racist asshole. Let me defend my position point by point…

First, I’ll point out that both of Bill Clinton‘s Presidential Elections (1992 and 1996) were landslide victories in this way if nothing else: both victories achieved a number of electoral votes which are widely considered to be landslide electoral college victories. Just click here to see a definition of “landslide victory” in which Bill Clinton and Barack Obama are specifically mentioned because of their wide electoral college victories. Yes, Bill Clinton’s popular vote left something to be desired because of Ross Perot, but you must still remember that he maintained a six to nine percent margin of victory over his nearest trailing opponent in both elections. Not to mention, in 1996 Clinton did win half of the popular vote (well, within one percent) and the rest was split between his two opponents. Dole, his nearest competitor was about ten percent behind in the popular vote. If 1996 isn’t then a popular vote landslide as well, I don’t know what is.

perotSecond, I’ll refute Mr. Johnson’s claim that Clinton wouldn’t have won without third party candidates stealing votes from George H.W. Bush and Bob Dole: People always blame Ross Perot (pictured at right) for taking votes away from George H.W. Bush and Bob Dole, but I really doubt those sad twisted people that voted for Perot ever would have shown up at the voting booth if the crazy Texan hadn’t been running. Besides, even if Perot did take votes away from Bush and Dole, he certainly took as many away from Clinton both times. After all, Perot may have supported economic Protectionism and opposed gun control, but he also supported a woman’s right to choose and the Environmental Protection Agency. He likely lured hesitant Clinton voters away as much as hesitant Bush and Dole voters. If you split the votes that went for Perot between Clinton and his opponents, he would have had popular vote wins by 53% to 46% and 54% to 44% in 1992 and 1996, respectively. That leads into Obama’s 53% to 46% victory nicely, I think. And just compare those numbers to Ronald Reagan‘s 1984 historic landslide victory, in which he won 58% of the popular vote against Walter Mondale‘s 40%. Riddle me this, Mr. Sidney Allen Johnson: at what point between Reagan’s “crushing” 58% and Clinton’s (adjusted) 54% or Obama’s (unadjusted) 53% does the popular vote stop being a landslide? Is Reagan’s lead over the others of four to eight percent (depending on how you look at it) really so much better?

Third, I’ll bring into question whether I am re-writing history: How the fuck is repeating a fact from a textbook definition in an encyclopedia entry re-writing fucking history? Landslide fucking victories are generally decided by a (approximately) ten percent margin of victory or more in a popular vote or a 65% or better electoral college victory. All three of the elections of Bill Clinton and Barack Obama fall into the low end of that category (as does George H.W. Bush’s first election to the Presidency, by the way). No, they are not the same kind of landslide enjoyed by a Ronald Reagan or a Franklin D. Roosevelt, but they are still pretty fucking big victories. By the way, I would like to note that more people voted for Barack Obama in 2008 (65,098,323) than did for Ronald Reagan in 1984 (54,455,075). In fact, more people voted for Barack Obama than for any other Presidential candidate in U.S. history. Deny that, you Doom Metal loving son of a bitch!

illuminati-haende-grFourth, I will confirm that I have a college education: Yes, I do have a college education. That’s how and why I can and do choose to think, learn and grow as a human being instead of declaring war on Islam and mythical secret societies (pictured; and no, once again, I am not making this up). I can only guess that the bitter scorn with which Mr. Johnson accused me of possessing a college degree (in fact, I have a B.A. and a Masters degree) indicates that he is not college educated. Yet again I seem to be confronted by the kind of person who laughs at the idea of learning anything beyond high school, and in the same breath manages to demonstrate their profound ignorance and bigotry, which brings me to my last point…

Fifth, I will deduce that Sidney Allen Johnson is a fucking racist prick and that he is in fact guilty of his own accusations of reality distortion. In the penultimate sentence of his comment, Johnson said, “Its always good to see someone on the ‘tolerant’ left rejoicing in the suggestion of the death of others…” First of all, I don’t ever recall describing myself as on the tolerant left, only on the left. Second of all, I wasn’t rejoicing at the suggestion of the death of others; I was rejoicing at the death of the ultra right wing foothold on power in America. And if I suggested that, “At least for the next four years, we can tell lunatic fringe right-wing conservatives to fuck off, eat shit and – most importantly – die,” as I did at the conclusion of my previous post, I hardly think I should have to feel bad about it.

trouble_on_the_right_wingWhy would anyone care if members of the lunatic fringe right wing conservative movement (pictured on the right, of course) died? Would the world be so much more terrible without Pat Robertson praying on national television for Supreme Court Justices to die? Would the world be so much worse without George Bush and his cronies fucking up relations with the entire planet except England and destroying our homeland? Would the world really be so much worse off if we didn’t have people like you, Sidney Allen Johnson, declaring war on an entire religion because you don’t understand that the actions of a few terrorists on 9/11 can’t be used to judge all Muslims any more than the outrageous actions and words of people like Jerry Falwell can be used to judge more reasonable and – yes – tolerant Christians like Barack Obama. I would also point out that Democrats and Liberals can’t be blamed for the things I say just because I agree with them most of the time.

I do not want reasonable and good people whom I disagree with to die, Mr. Johnson. I just want people like John McCain, Sarah Palin, Ted Stevens, George Bush, Karl Rove, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, you and all the rest to go far far away from me and the rest of the human race, because its lunatic fringe losers like you who leave the world a worse place than you found it. At least Muslims invented the first windmill in the 7th century, founded the first degree-issuing university in the 9th century and invented suntan lotion in the tenth century. That beats out Catholics. All they ever invented was guilt.

In Other News, H.J. Herrick Issues a Correction: Herrick’s Projections More Accurate than Previously Projected

Well, I was so right once again that my righteousness exceeded even my own expectations: it turns out my electoral vote count projection of November 5th was incorrect by one vote. Of course, Obama did even one vote better than I expected. As of today, the final electoral vote count is Obama 365, McCain 173.

1569234-welcome_to_nebraska-nebraskaHow could this have happened, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you: I called Nebraska (with the exception of three outstanding Obama counties: Saline, Lancaster and Thurston) for McCain, as did every other reputable news outlet on the planet (for once, I’m was in line with them). Then I called Missouri and North Carolina for McCain and Obama, respectively. It turns out I was right about those.

We know now that everyone was a little bit wrong about Nebraska. Lo and behold, Nebraska is one of two states (along with Maine) that does its electoral votes on a county by county basis instead of the usual winner-take-all method that most states use. This means that if enough counties vote for the minority candidate in Nebraska, the state can split its electoral votes between the two. Turns out some outstanding ballots in Douglas County, Nebraska got counted late and tipped the scales in favor of Obama there. This will cause Nebraska to cast one of its five electoral votes for Barack Obama, increasing his final vote count from 364, as I predicted, to 365.

Way to go, Nebraska. Keep living “the good life,” whatever the fuck that would mean in Nebraska.


The Morning After the Election: Waking Up in the Antichrist’s New America

05campaign1050_600Dawn has broken over a United States of America transformed. The world will never be the same as it was when we woke up on the morning of November 4th, 2008. This morning is a new morning, full of sweet promise for most and full of bitter defeat for the rest.

obama-anti-christ-3984-thumbTo think that in March of 2008 some crazy Christians started saying that Barack Obama was the Antichrist (crazy propaganda found on 4chan.org pictured at right) because he fit the following criteria:

  • He is a man (check).
  • He is in his 40’s (check, gotcha).
  • He will have massive Christ-like appeal (okay, I guess I can see that comparison; he is pretty popular).
  • He will deceive the nation with persuasive language (uh, did Obama ever lie once during the election?).
  • He will promise false hope and world peace and people will flock to him (um… correct me if I’m wrong, but neither candidate was running on a world peace platform, though I guess Obama did use the word “hope” during his campaign and people are sure as hell flocking to him).
  • He will be of Muslim descent (okay, argument over; you crazy Christian assholes lose; Obama is Christian and was baptized in the Trinity United Church of Christ in 1988; that means he is a reasonable Christian who wants to help people instead of destroy them like you).

With all of that religious swift-boating propaganda behind us, it’s 10:00 a.m. pacific time on November 5th, 2008 and the current electoral vote count is 349 for Barack Obama and 163 for John McCain. Two states – Missouri and North Carolina – haven’t yet been called by most respectable outlets, but I’m going to go ahead and call them…

missouriMissouri Goes to McCain

Missouri will go red with McCain bringing in 50% of the vote over Obama’s 49%. McCain is currently winning this state by only about 6,000 votes with 100% of precincts reporting, so they are counting carefully there. But I’m going to give McCain – who, let me remind you, has already lost – the benefit of the doubt and say he wins this state.

ncmapNorth Carolina Goes to Obama

I’m going to go ahead and call North Carlolina for Barack Obama. The President-elect is bringing in 50% of the vote in North Carolina compared to McCain’s 49%. Obama is currently up by about 12,000 votes in North Carolina with 100% of precincts reporting.

So what does that mean?

Well, I’ll tell you. It means I was right when I said a week before the election that Obama would win with 360 electoral votes to McCain’s 178 (well, almost; things went even a little better than I thought they would). With North Carolina going for Obama and Missouri going for McCain, that puts the final electoral vote count as follows:

Barack Obama   364

John McCain     174

I hate to be the kind of person who says, “I told you so,” but… wait a damn minute! I love saying, “I told you so!” I fucking told you so, America! Despite the fact that all my liberal friends and acquaintances were scared to death McCain was going to pull some kind of rabbit from his top hat in the final days of the election, I remained unafraid on the eve of the ballot count. While my friends and I sat down to watch the election coverage after a lovely Thai dinner, they were nervously buzzing before the television was turned on. Then, twenty minutes later – at 8:00 pm Pacific time – the election was called in Barack Obama’s favor as the results of Washington, California and my home state of Oregon came over the wires. It was only twenty minutes of election night angst for them before I could start dancing and screaming, “I told you so, motherfuckers!” And I had been smoking and relaxing since I’d gotten home from work, drinking coffee and beer. In other words, it was the most relaxing election night I’ve ever experienced, and the most gratifying.

obamaxa0The Implications of Having a Black Dude in the White House

A lot of people are wondering: what do the results of this election mean for America? Well, since I’m busy telling you what to think about everything else, I’ll tell you about that too…

America has finally proved that – while many of us are still racist assholes – most of us are (somewhat slightly) enlightened people who do not believe black people are inferior, and we really can’t get too grandiose and pretend this means much more than that. Racism still exists, and don’t let Bill O’Reilly, Pat Robertson or anyone else tell you different. ‘Nuff said there.

What about Implications for the Democratic and Republican Parties?

The real news is this: neoconservative Republican politics is dead and in the ground. After two landslides for Bill Clinton and a landslide for Obama, the country has said firmly for the past two decades that it is a left-leaning nation. Those two elections which George W. Bush won (well, sort of) by narrow pissant margins have today been revealed for what they are: flashes in the pan.

I compare the neoconservative victories in 2000 an 2004 to what scientists call an extinction burst: a sudden resurgence in a negative behavior or a viral infection before it burns out completely and disappears.

Am I saying that Republicans will disappear? No. I’m simply saying that the new Republican party cannot afford to let itself be run by evil dictators in disguise like the Bushes, who use people like Karl Rove to steal their elections. If the Republican party wants to survive in the future, it will have to change itself into a more palatable organization which accepts that they are in the minority and most Americans will disagree with them on all the issues that matter. In other words, Republicans have hit the wall and they will adapt into something we can all respect or they will eventually die and be replaced years from now by something like a Democratic monopoly or – holy shit – a system where Independent candidates can actually run for election in a major office and win.

erectgopHow do I know a Democratic shift is happening in this country and will continue to happen in the future? Well, I’ll tell you. As I said before in “Further Proof that McCain/Palin Supporters are Retarded…” trends show that more and more people will continue to become more educated, more intelligent, and will continue to register Democrat in greater numbers. Meanwhile, Republican supporters (pictured at left) continue to dwindle as time marches onward.

If all of that previous information isn’t enough to convince you, the National Student Mock Election, which just closed at 12:00 p.m. eastern time on November 4th, shows 64.12% of the popular vote going for Obama and only 32.31% for McCain. For those of you who don’t know, this mock election has students participating all around the country in high schools and middle schools, and most of its participants will be able to vote in the 2012 Presidential election. If I were a Democratic candidate in the next Presidential election, I would be pretty happy to know that two thirds of first-time voters will probably be registering Democrat.

To sum up, the American People have been fooled by Bush and his neoconservative friends before, but they were not fooled this year by neoconservative predators like John McCain and Sarah Palin posing as maverick house pets. As W. said…

Good work, America. Way to get a black guy into the Oval Office. Way to change history. Way to shove your collective boot up John McCain’s withered old ass. At least for the next four years, we can tell lunatic fringe right-wing conservatives to fuck off, eat shit and – most importantly – die.


H.J. Herrick Calls the Presidential Election for Obama at 7:50 pm Pacific Time, or John McCain wins 100% of the Loser Vote

barack-obama-president-of-awesomeWell, I’m sitting at my dining room table watching CNN and it’s 7:55. Oregon, Washington, and California are about to close and if all of them go for Obama, he will win the election. All of them are expected to go for Obama.

This news reaches me while beautiful women suck on my toes and a trained monkey injects heroin directly into my tear ducts. I really couldn’t care less. I already knew Obama was going to win in the biggest landslide in as long as anyone can remember. I said it a while back: 360 electoral votes for Obama. It looks like he’s headed for that or more. Think about it: have you ever heard of an election being called at 8:00 pm Pacific Time?

This is what I call a mandate from the masses.

Wait just a moment… it’s now 8:00 pm and CNN has just called it. Barack Obama has been elected President. That’s the earliest I can ever recall an election being called in modern times.

Holy shit… History has just been made in my lifetime.

Barack Obama is not only about to become the first African American President in U.S. History, he is about to win by what might be the biggest landslide in American history.

Yes, you heard it here first: Barack Obama has just raped John McCain‘s hairy withered old asshole with his throbbing black cock. And I couldn’t be more honored to say that my home state of Oregon was one of the final three states to deliver the death blow to John McCain’s wicked black heart.

God bless America.

P.S. It’s already on Wikipedia, so that means its true. Fuck yeah!