Eschatology for Modern Living

H.J. Herrick Calls the Presidential Election for Obama at 7:50 pm Pacific Time, or John McCain wins 100% of the Loser Vote

barack-obama-president-of-awesomeWell, I’m sitting at my dining room table watching CNN and it’s 7:55. Oregon, Washington, and California are about to close and if all of them go for Obama, he will win the election. All of them are expected to go for Obama.

This news reaches me while beautiful women suck on my toes and a trained monkey injects heroin directly into my tear ducts. I really couldn’t care less. I already knew Obama was going to win in the biggest landslide in as long as anyone can remember. I said it a while back: 360 electoral votes for Obama. It looks like he’s headed for that or more. Think about it: have you ever heard of an election being called at 8:00 pm Pacific Time?

This is what I call a mandate from the masses.

Wait just a moment… it’s now 8:00 pm and CNN has just called it. Barack Obama has been elected President. That’s the earliest I can ever recall an election being called in modern times.

Holy shit… History has just been made in my lifetime.

Barack Obama is not only about to become the first African American President in U.S. History, he is about to win by what might be the biggest landslide in American history.

Yes, you heard it here first: Barack Obama has just raped John McCain‘s hairy withered old asshole with his throbbing black cock. And I couldn’t be more honored to say that my home state of Oregon was one of the final three states to deliver the death blow to John McCain’s wicked black heart.

God bless America.

P.S. It’s already on Wikipedia, so that means its true. Fuck yeah!


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