Author’s Note: What follows is an excerpt from today’s new post to Disputationes, the debate and dialectics blog recently undertaken by Comrade Richard “Bingo” Little and myself. What you read here is the beginning of my point: that everything is doomed to oblivion. On Disputationes, you’ll find the rest of my argument as well as Comrade Bingo’s counterpoint (which I must grudgingly admit is quite astute — but still wrong, damn it!). I’m very excited to be launching this new blogging venture with my partner Comrade Bingo, and I hope you’ll follow us there as well, dear Constant Reader.
Pessimus, or Everything is Horrible
By H.J. Herrick
So I’m supposed to tell you poor fuckers why your lives are doomed to mediocrity and despair through no fault of your own. Unless you were born rich, with power and influence. And even then you may not be happy (you fucking sociopathic bastard). Well delivering shit news like this to good hardworking suckers such as yourselves is never easy, dear Constant Readers. I didn’t ask to be the Harbinger of Doom, but I did ask to know the Truth, and have spent my life trying to lift up the dark underbelly of Society to find it. Take it from me: the Truth is a grim ugly Bitch of Death, and it wants to eat your children alive.
So here is how I find myself in this position… After disappearing from public life for some months while serving a brief jail sentence for some trumped up bullshit, I emerged from solitary confinement to go on a horrific month-long ether, psychedelic mushroom and booze-fueled binge across Oregon. While drinking moonshine under a bridge somewhere (I think I was in Marion County, but I blacked out for a few days here and there, so who knows?) I came across my old colleague and friend, Comrade Richard “Bingo” Little. Always the chipper lad, Comrade Bingo had plenty of nice things to say about my needing to buck up and look on the bright side of Life. Naturally, I snorted some strong uppers and composed myself so I could argue the opposite position: that Life and the World are twin Dogs from Hell snarling and gnashing teeth, ready to rend our balls from our bodies. I argued that nothing could be done to better my situation, or the World’s. I was doomed. We were all doomed. But he persisted. Eventually we argued to an impasse, and agreed to continue the debate later in a more civilized forum. So here I am, in this new area and back at the typewriter, arguing the case on the behalf of Chaos and Misery. I’m sure he’ll tell you all about that contrary “The World is a wounded unicorn searching for a healing rainbow” bullshit later, but for now it’s time to sink your teeth into some real meaty and awful rotten stuff: Reality.
Follow the rest of the post here!
Dear Constant Readers,
It’s my pleasure to inform you that big changes are coming to The New Apocalypse. First of all, the fundamentals are bending a bit. New Apocalypse will now be a forum not only for non-fiction, opinion and guerilla journalism, but also for poetry and — perhaps even occasionally — fiction. You may have seen a prototype of this contribution if you were paying attention almost a year ago at my last posting. Lots has happened since then and the game has changed. It’s time to embrace the New Paradigm.
I am perhaps even more excited to announce that The New Apocalypse will soon be home to a new and very important contributor: Upton Charles. This man is a consummate gentleman and is given to strong drink, which means we can trust him. Never trust a man without a vice. Or ten.
I had the pleasure of meeting Upton Charles several years ago in a horrific dive bar in New York, NY. Mars Bar is it’s name and locals will be familiar with its general back-alley ambience if they have any drinking blood in them at all. I was flailing my limbs and gibbering incoherently about the End of Days with yet another half empty glass of rum and ice, tripping on bad mushrooms, when this erudite young gentleman strolled in. Obviously a regular, the bartender served him without a word and he observed my diatribe cooly for some time.
Finally, Charles interjected his own points to the debate and we found we were of like mind. Yes, he too had heard of the Pacific Plastic Soup. Yes, he too despised politics as usual (especially in the Republican Party). Yes, he too knew the pitfalls of modern technology. Yes, he too knew the dangers of Traditional Gothic Heavy Metal Doom Rock. Yes, he too hated Christmas. Upton always spoke eloquently and with nobility; others took this to mean he was a bit stuck up, a tad high strung. I know better. He’s a gentleman and a scholar. His demeanor is simply a by-product if his staggering and brutal intelligence. It’s hard to cope with that kind of Knowing. He is a paragon of honesty and introspection. He is a True Journalist of the first order.
After the conclusion of our drunken debate in that hole in New York, we took a walk in the bitter cold, smoking cigarettes and reefer. Finally we agreed that we should collaborate, and that he should join my venture on the interwebs: The New Apocalypse. Why it took so long for this to finally happen is another story. I’ll let him tell that one.
I am proud to welcome him now, these several years later, to The New Apocalypse. Look for posts from Upton Charles coming soon.
P.S. In other news, there is a pretty good chance that I will be starting a new blog in collaboration with another colleague of mine: Richard “Bingo” Little, also know as Comrade Bingo. This blog, called Disputationes, will be imbued with the Aristotelian ideal of debate and dialogue. Each post will take on a topic, and we will each argue one side of that subject, to its bitter and final conclusion. This is a bit more down the road, but look for it in the near-ish future.
Thanks. And keep up the good fight, dear Constant Reader. Don’t let them dull your mental blade. Keep thinking!
Yours, in dubious and brooding solitude,
The Third Presidential Debate, 2008, or Super Happy Fun Debate Times with John McCain, Senator Government and Joe the Plumber!
I sat down to watch the third and final Presidential Debate of 2008 Wednesday night only after I had finished eating half of a very special rice crispy treat and smoked a bit (you can infer what you will from that, Big Brother). I thought it would be the only way I could survive the desperate bitterness I was sure I would feel every time John McCain opened his mouth. As it turns out, it was the best decision I ever could have made.
I was immediately mesmerized by the ties of both candidates. Barack Obama was wearing the most stunningly red striped tie I’d ever seen, while McCain was wearing this sad blue old man tie. It was no contest. I was so mesmerized by these ties that I somehow forgot to listen to anything either of them were saying through that twenty minute period at the beginning where all the analysts seem to be saying McCain actually did well (What? Seriously?). Whatever. We all know McCain fucked up his third debate in a row, but we won’t get into that in too much depth. I’m going to try to focus on all the ways Obama did well tonight. Someone once told me I should be positive on occasion…
The debate began with moderator Bob Schieffer of CBS News asking both candidates to defend their economic plans and explain why it is better than their opponent’s. McCain succeeded only in futilely accusing Obama of “class warfare” by raising taxes in a time of economic crisis. Obama on the other hand was able to easily defend himself against those futile accusations by reminding the audience that people earning under $250,000 per year will receive a tax break and only the rich will receive a tax hike. He repeated that key statistic which seems to be bringing so many doubting lower class Republicans under his wings: 95% of Americans will receive a tax cut under his administration. McCain, of course, had no answer for this except to bring up Joe the Plumber… Holy shit…
Joe the Plumber, a.k.a. Joe Wurzelbacher the Tax-Dodger
McCain brought up an incident where this guy named Joe Wurzelbacher (pictured at left) told Barack Obama a few days before the debate that he wouldn’t be able to buy a plumbing business he’s worked in for lots of years under Barack Obama’s new tax plan. That’ right, its Wurzelbacher, not “Wurzelburger” as McCain said.
Of course, if you’ve ever listened to what Obama plans to do with his tax plan, you’d know that you won’t receive a tax increase unless you make more than $250,000 a year. So that means that Joe Wurzelbacher is rich (…in theory, right? Check out the links below…). So why was McCain calling him Joe the Plumber? It’s not like the guys ever actually put his hand in a toilet for the past few years if he’s somehow worth over $250,000 per year… right?
The answer, by the by, is that McCain wants everyone to think Obama is hiking a plumber’s taxes, which would mean that he’d hike the taxes of all lower class people by implication. It’s almost as if McCain thinks saying that Obama is going to hike poor people’s taxes all over the country will somehow make it true. Nevertheless, Obama did a fine job of reminding the American people that his tax plan was middle and lower class friendly.
By the way, Joe Wurzelbacher has no plumbing license, is not rich, and would only have his taxes increased if he bought the business, which he cannot afford to do… and he owes the state of Ohio $1,200 in unpaid income taxes.
Oh, fuck… sucks to be you right now, McCain. Have fun eating your words, fuckhead.
Who the fuck is Senator Government?
Yeah, it’s positive that Obama was able to resist the urge to skull fuck McCain after he was called Senator Government. Fuck this positive thing… I mean seriously, how evil and absent-minded do you have to be to call your Democratic opponent Senator Government and not catch yourself when you say it? Could you be advertising yourself as more of a Republican asshole, please?
Jesus… the rice crispy euphoria was wearing off far too much by the time McCain let slip the Senator Government comment. I couldn’t handle it. I started screaming and throwing beer bottles at the television. Now I’m $600 in the hole this month for a new HD flatscreen television…
Overall I was very happy with how badly McCain did and how well Obama capitalized on it. Obama was able to diffuse every single negative attack by McCain, and was also able to promote his own ideas as superior. All McCain could do was tear his opponent’s arguments down without any evidence (only the promise of evidence to come, which never comes) to back up his statements. Post-debate snap polls were right behind Obama on who made a better impression to the American people:
To sum up, things could not really be going any better for Barack Obama after this third Presidential Debate. John McCain is against the ropes in every state that matters and Barack Obama is still gaining steam in many of them. We may see a Democratic victory in this Presidential Election greater than any since the 60’s.
I mean, who can blame all these people for voting Obama? Think of the alternative: a McCain White House which becomes a Palin White House within three months after McCain succumbs to a fatal heart attack during a meeting with heads of state. Just imagine it…
P.S. You should really try to find the deer and shoot it in the palinaspresident.us link. Only then can you be a true flash game zen master…
Conclusions: Epilogue: Postscript: Outro
To sum up summing up, I found myself passed out in a dumpster somewhere across town the morning after the debate. I must have blacked out for about three to six hours. But what would you expect after shooting a lot of heroin into your eyeballs?* And how could you blame me for doing that after I’d spent ninety minutes of my life I’ll never get back looking into John McCain’s beady old eyes and seeing three letters: an D, an O and an A.
*Not actually true, Big Brother.
Well, John McCain has made a fool of himself again. This time, he did it with lame jokes and obliquely racist comments. At one point McCain was cracking jokes about how he might need hair transplants. Then the next moment he’s saying something like this:
Just in case you think I’m pulling that out of context, here is McCain’s statement in context:
Has any other presidential candidate in history called his opponent “that one” in a formal debate on live national television? I’ve never heard of such audacity. Have you, dear Constant Reader?
Anyway, apart from his outrageous and irrelevant statements during the debate, McCain really failed to answer half the questions asked of him (again) and when he actually was attempting to answer a question instead of dodge it he failed to make any relevant point. He also completely failed to present himself as a respectable and likable person instead of the crotchety old bat that he really is. As a result of these other failures, he also did not succeed in representing himself as a legitimate leader. I’m not the only one who thinks so, either. Check out these CNN post-debate snap polls:
But lets get back to talking about how McCain is really a racist motherfucker, because that’s just more fun. A lot of people will tell you, “McCain isn’t racist! Don’t be ridiculous. He didn’t mean it that way when he said, ‘that one,’ and pointed at Obama without looking in his general direction.”
And to that I say, “Fuck you, Pat Robertson! Go die!” While you can’t prove McCain is really racist from one such comment, you can prove that McCain thinks very little of Barack Obama and his “otherness” by the way he has treated Barack Obama throughout this campaign season. In the first debate, McCain failed to even look at Obama once after they shook hands until finally the debate was over and he was forced to behave civilly in front of their wives. I’ve never heard of a candidate refusing to make eye contact with his opponent in a debate, but I guess its easier not to look at someone you are trying to villainize when you know you’re behaving immorally. But seriously, to call your opponent “that one” and to completely dismiss all of the respect Obama deserves as a member of the United States Senate? That’s outrageous. It made McCain look bad, and it really isn’t surprising that he’s sinking in the polls again for the third straight time after the third 2008 debate (that is, including the Vice Presidential Debate).
I guess I can’t be surprised that McCain is resorting to desperate attack strategies though. The focus of the race is now on the economy because of current events. Everyone and their dog knows that Obama is by far stronger on the economy and has a better plan to get us out of this mess. As long as the economy is in crisis, Obama will continue to gather defectors from McCain’s camp into his own flock. Bush‘s spending plans and economic strategies have left far too many middle class Americans naked before the flames, and McCain voted for far too many of those spending plans for most peoples’ comfort (90% of the spending plans, to be exact).
With only one debate left (televised at 6:00 pm Pacific time on Wednesday, October 15), McCain will have to dig himself out of quite a hole before election day. I doubt he will be able to do it. It’s easy to swift boat someone like John Kerry, but McCain will have to do a little better against a phenomenon like Barack Obama in order to steal this election.
For those idiots out there who want to pick away at my writing or find innaccuracies or mistruths, I will save you the trouble of muddling through YouTube to find a video of the second debate (see below). Oh, and to those red state readers out there who are going to write me angry emails in just that vein, I have this to say: Fuck off and die! It’s all blue states this year, baby! Yeah, that’s right! America is going to choose that one…
I mean, seriously. Did she answer even half of the questions she was asked? I didn’t know why she was talking about almost anything she was talking about. Who was she convincing? I mean, according to a CNN post-debate poll I just saw, 51% of viewers thought Joe Biden did a better job and only 36% said Sarah Palin did. Who does Sarah Palin think she’s fooling? If McCain gets into office and kicks the bucket, we’re all doomed! DOOMED!!! Ask yourself if you’re that scared of Joe Biden taking over after a terrible tragedy. Then vote. Dammit. Don’t let Sarah Palin flaunt her anal beads (pictured) all over the United States for the next four to eight years!
But guess what: Sarah Palin – if McCain fails to get elected – will have a splendid music career to fall back on. Check out this clip of her singing in a crappy Christian group called “The Wasilla Singers” (she’s on the far left, ironically):
I feel the need to come out of what must seem like retirement to say something on The New Apocalypse about the first Presidential Debate of 2008 (full video below). I can’t fucking believe how many people are saying this debate was a draw or actually ended in favor of John McCain. Are you serious?
I actually watched some Republican asshole (a guest on a CNN panel at the conclusion of the debate) say that he thought McCain held his own and Barack Obama was – I quote – “On the defensive throughout the debate.” This same dick head moron said – again, I quote – “I think John McCain’s numbers will go up one or two points in the polls.”
Let me ask you, dear Constant Reader… did you watch the debate? If you did, please tell me… do you honestly think there was any question as to who came out ahead? Do you really think John McCain argued his points fairly and accurately? He was caught in outright lies more than ten times by Obama and Obama called the motherfucker on it point-blank. McCain avoided answering nearly every question that was posed to him directly, instead skirting around the central issues, while Obama answered every question succinctly and completely with multiple specific points of support.
Not convinced? Let’s talk about body language: McCain never looked Obama in the eyes throughout the entire debate, while Obama had no trouble facing McCain directly with his accusations (probably because they were all accurate and fair). Obama also had the balls to look the American People in the eye while he was speaking to them; Obama looked at the camera when he was speaking to the American people. McCain could only talk about the American People in the third person rather than the second, as if there weren’t voters in the audience of the debate or watching at home. How can you watch that, dear Constant Reader, and then say McCain is actually in touch with the public?
A friend of mine (author of Historical Rockuments; check his stuff out, dear Constant Reader) said he thought Obama did well but didn’t strike hard enough and brutally enough when McCain’s defenses were down while the candidates debated the economy and national defense. I respectfully disagree. I think Obama’s calm refutation of McCain’s outrageous lies and accusations were just what the situation called for. If Obama had resorted to blunt and visceral attacks, he would have been sinking to McCain’s level. That was just what McCain wanted when he kept baiting Obama with cheap childish teasing tactics like saying, “What Senator Obama doesn’t seem to understand is…” over and over and over. The whole reason Obama appeals to so many people and has throughout the Primary season and the General Election so far is that he walks a higher road than John McCain, who apparently has no reservations about telling bald faced lies to the American general public.
McCain even managed to make a fool of himself by saying that North Koreans are shorter than South Koreans because they are so oppressed, which had nothing to do with anything and is patently unproven. While it is true that North Koreans are shorter than South Koreans on average, how the hell would McCain know scientifically if it had anything to do with their being oppressed? And I would like to join many others in asking why McCain smiled so warmly while making the comment about North Koreans being so short. Does he think its funny that the little almond-eyed people are so tiny? What the fuck is up with McCain anyway?
Besides, the proof of Barack Obama’s victory in the first Presidential Debate lay in the polls: post debate polls by CNN and CBS News show that the American People believe Obama did better than McCain in the debate. Of adults who viewed the debate surveyed by CNN, 51% said they thought Obama did better, while only 38% believed McCain had the upper hand. CBS News did a poll of voters who were undcided entering the first Presidential Debate. Of those undecided voters surveyed, 39% said Obama won the debate and only 24% thought McCain had won. You do the math.
No matter how many Republican pundits say McCain held his own or even out-debated Obama, I take comfort in the fact that there are enough non-retarded Americans out there to show their approval of Obama and reject McCain’s tired old attack strategies. I say “enough” meaning enough to get Obama elected in a couple months, not to stop the world exploding before the next century ends. I don’t want you to think I’m going soft or anything. The human race is still doomed.