By Upton Charles
Before I delve into this too far, let me just say that I, your author, have been deemed to be a hipster. I once sported a look referred to some as “hipster lumberjack.” I used to work in fashion. I used to live in Brooklyn. I listen to Wolf Parade.
But I bought my clothes at Goodwill because I was poor, not because I wanted to look poor. It was more by chance that my “style” was accepted. I never wore black framed glasses, though I’m pretty sure my eyesight is bad enough that I could use them. I’ve only worn make-up on Halloween and only wear a scarf when it’s really fucking cold outside.
So, having noted this, I fucking hate most hipsters. Emo kids, “scene” kids, Sublime-obsessed “hippy” kids – they’re all awful. (The Sublime kids are especially awful. I used to kind of like Sublime and they have fucking RUINED it for me.) They’re all stupid, self-serving little fuckers.
Yet I’ve begun to wonder if it’s just because they’re kids and now I’m an “adult.” Were my friends just as bad when I was younger? Is Mumford and Sons a legitimate band and I just “don’t get it”? Is “Gotye” NOT a really stupid band name?
I recently went to a concert in Portland (hipsters!) for the band Dr. Dog (beards!) and found myself hating about 90% of the crowd. But the worst offender was right in front of me: A kids about 6ft 4in and his group of friends who slammed their way in front of me (and several others) just as the show started. He proceeded to be an asshole in the following ways:
-He jumped around and flailed his arms with no regard for anyone else trying to enjoy the show.
-He was smoking weed. This didn’t bother me, but the fact that he never offered to anyone else irked me.
-He invited more of his friends up to the front because, in his words, “There’s plenty of room!” This was a lie and he knew it.
-He kept yelling for the band to play a particular song, but when they finally did play said song, he didn’t appear to recognize it.
-He and his friends were chanting, “One more song!” during the encore, which they didn’t seem to realize almost always contains 4-5 songs. (With few exceptions. If the band plays a song in an encore and the song is 10-12 minutes long, then you shouldn’t expect as many. If the first song is 2 minutes long, it goes without saying that the band will play more than that.)
-He got angry at me when I folded my arms to prevent him from hitting me in the face with his shoulder every time he jumped around. (He seemed to think that i was elbowing him in the back. I informed him that if he stopped slamming into me and being a general asshat that his back would be just fine.)
-He wouldn’t shut the fuck up for one fucking second.
Now, I’ve been to a lot of concerts and I know how to act. This guy (and his friends) seemed like they had never been to a concert before, nor had they managed to learn any basic social skills.
So are the kids just pieces of shit or am I just too old? Or is it some combination of both? I’m not sure, but I think that the next time I go to a concert, I’m gonna sit and drink beer with the old farts.
Some news cable outlets have been reporting that McCain is making gains in the polls and tightening the gap between himself and future President Barack Obama. Are you serious? How could that actually happen? Look at McCain’s supporters on the left; could those people get excited and mobilized for any purpose besides fresh jelly-filled pastries?
It is true that Gallup‘s “traditional” polls most recently show a slight tightening: 49% Obama, 47% McCain to be precise. However, the traditional Gallup poll, according to their own website, “factors in prior voting behavior as well as current voting intention. This has generally shown a closer contest…”
If you want to see what is actually going on in this country, you should check out Gallup’s new and improved “expanded” poll. Gallup’s expanded poll (which shows Obama leading McCain 51% to 44%), according to their website, “determines likely voters based only on current voting intentions. This estimate would take into account higher turnout among groups of voters traditionally less likely to vote, such as young adults and minorities.” I’m sure you all know that Barack Obama has brought more young adults and minorities out of the woodwork to vote than any other candidate in history. I think we can safely say that the expanded Gallup poll, then, is the more reliable reflection of the actual popular vote outcome.
Still worried that the electoral college could do something different from the popular vote? Well, don’t worry (sorry if that wasn’t suspenseful enough for you, CNN and Fox News). Just take a look at the current electoral college projections:
As you can see (I’m sure you’re not blind or retarded… well, ARE YOU?!?!), there is no risk whatsoever of McCain winning this election. If McCain got every solid and lean state polling for him as well as every single toss-up electoral vote, and got all but two lean votes currently polling for Obama, he’d still only have 268 electoral votes. Obama would then have 270, which is all he needs to win at that point. I don’t think I need to explain that every toss up electoral vote and every electoral vote currently leaning for Barack Obama will not go to John McCain. A shift like that has never happened in the last seven days of an election in electoral history.
The most reliable projection, as of today, is that Obama will win with 360 electoral votes to McCain’s 178. We have not seen a margin of victory that wide in a Presidential election since Clinton and Dole in 1996. In other words, stop listening to the television media. There has been no actual distinguishable tightening in the polls. Barack Obama (pictured at right) is awesome and they are just telling you there has been so they can get higher ratings on election night.
But I’m not worried. I know you’re smarter than them, dear Constant Reader. I will sit in my den alone with my viscious German Shepherds on election night, tripping balls on something and languishing in these very comforting thoguhts and statistics. America is going to be safe, at least for the next few years. Well, it’ll be safe from most any threat except me…
Because I live in Oregon, I get one of those peachy little vote-by-mail ballots every election year. Oregon is one of only two states that is completely vote-by-mail (the other being Washington), though several other states are in the process of joining the march into the future, and convenience. In places like Maine, Maryland and South Dakota, absentee ballots may be requested without any explanation.
As you can see from the picture above, the vote-by-mail method allows me to relax at my dining room table with my voter’s guides, ballot, cell phone, my laptop for instant research and a nice cool glass of water all spread out in front of me. Conclusions: I’m in favor of voting through the mail. It rocks cock. My own opinion notwithstanding, though, people have criticized the vote-by-mail system in various ways:
Some say it destroys the American tradition of going to a polling place; I guess for black people in the South that means that they would miss out on all the fun of being beaten to death in a public place because they voted for an anti-segregation candidate. No, I don’t think anyone under the age of fifty is ever really going to miss the voting booth.
Some folks think that it removes our ability to make sure there is no voter harassment. These people argue that – for instance – a dominant spouse might pressure their significant other to “vote the right way.” While it is true that some of this might (unfortunately) happen, I think that the number of people who have extra time because of vote-by-mail to research the issues and vote in an educated fashion far outnumbers the people who get threatened into voting a certain way within the privacy of their own home.
Some say it does not actually increase voter turnout. It may be true that voter turnout is the same either way, but think of all the people who try to vote the traditional way but can’t because they’re called in to work overtime when they had been planning on voting that night… What’s the call, Bob the steel worker? You going to get enough money to feed your family tonight, or are you going to vote? No, I think vote-by-mail – or at least the option to vote by mail without explanation – is superior to voting in that vinyl death trap: the voting booth.
Another group of worrisome assholes says that its easier to tamper with a vote-by-mail ballot than a traditional ballot. Trust me; it’s safe. Just follow this four-step process:
There are not enough amateur vote-tampering assholes out there to amount to anything notable, and the idea of orchestrating a giant vote-by-mail-fraud conspiracy (which would take massive numbers of people participating at an unprecedented level) without anyone slipping up or spilling the beans is incomprehensible.
Anyway, the best part about vote-by-mail is that it allows you the luxury of smoking a certain something out of a pipe while you fill out the ole’ ballot. I did that while I voted today. That’s right… I smoked tobacco. Sorry, Big Brother. Not going to give in that easy… But anyway, if you’re a “Joe Six-Pack” and you’re not comfortable with all that consciousness-expanding… um… tobacco, you could always just get drunk while you vote. Hell, I did that too.
God bless America. God bless Oregon. Fuck yeah.
For Oregon Voters Only: Now that I have your attention, let me nag you about some local measures…
If you’re voting in Oregon, the marks on your ballot had better match the ones on mine in the following areas:
- No on Measure 58.
- No on Measure 59.
- No on Measure 60.
- No on Measure 61.
- No on Measure 62.
- No on Measure 64.
- No on Measure 65.
That’s right: a big fat NO on all of those. In short, those measures fuck the following people in the ass: Hispanic Americans, poor people, teachers, people who smoke pot and taxpayers, the school system, unions of any kind and candidates from independent parties, respectively. (Note that the people fucked by a “yes” vote on any of these measures are not limited to the aforementioned groups; those groups merely make up the bulk of those fucked.)
If the measures on your Oregon ballot look different from the list above in any way, you are a social conservative moron asshole and I will break into your house at night, cut out your tongue, bind you to the bedpost and make you watch while I tear your wife in half. Then I’m going to use your own ballot to paper cut your throat repeatedly until you bleed to death.
That is all.
If you look over a list of films by Oliver Stone, you begin to see a pattern: all of them are controversial, topical, relevant and brilliant (except for Alexander and World Trade Center; those were pieces of shit). Oliver Stone’s latest film, W., is no exception to the brilliance of his earlier career. He has fully redeemed himself for the terrible transgressions of Alexander and World Trade Center (god, the hours I lost watching those…). I’m just going to come out and say it: In W. Oliver Stone has made the most important film of his career and will probably never top it.
If Platoon and Born on the Fourth of July were critiques on the terrible machine of modern warfare, if Wall Street was a critique on the greed and corruption of the financial machine in this nation, if Natural Born Killers and Any Given Sunday are critiques on the twisted bent or utter irrelevancy of modern media, if Nixon is a critique of corruption in modern politics, then W. is an utter fucking slap in the face to George W. Bush and everything that has allowed his administration to happen. Wow, that was quite an “if, then” statement.
The most terrible tragedy of George W. Bush’s life and of our generation is that George W. Bush is actually a fairly likable guy when you meet him and just shoot the shit about football. Pretty much everyone who meets him in real life thinks so. That’s why the motherfucker got elected. How else do you think it happened? It’s not because he has good policies or is very smart, now is it? Anyway, enough of that tangent. Even Elizabeth Banks (playing Laura Bush), who met the Bushes once at a White House screening of Seabiscuit, said that while she utterly loathes Bush’s politics, she found him to be a very charming and funny.
I ate another special rice crispy treat before going into the theater on the opening night of W. and boy was I happy I did… The special treat allowed me to relax a bit, and thus relax my raging hatred of George W. Bush for a time. While my defenses were down, I was struck by Josh Brolin‘s rendering of George W. Bush as a confused young man who wants only to do right by his father (played gloriously by James Cromwell) but is constantly overshadowed by him and his brother Jeb. I’m just going to come out and say it: I felt sad and sorry for George W. Bush, the evil dictator himself.
That is to say, the film served as a reminder to me that I should passionately hate Bush the Politician and leave Bush the Man alone. Bush was not a villain in the film; he was a likable and charming young man who was turned into a likeable and hatable pawn in his autumn years by puppet masters like Dick Cheney (played hauntingly by Richard Dreyfuss) and Karl Rove (played by Toby Jones). No, this movie does not excuse Bush. His tragic flaw in this film is his total inability to finish what he starts or to think a course of action through before it ruins him. The movie merely reminds us that there are far more people to blame than just Bush alone for what has happened under this administration; this is where the villains like Rove and Cheney enter the story of W. and muck things up for our hero (?) by exploiting his tragic flaw.
Dreyfuss plays Cheney with a perfect level of private malevolence. In one of my favorite scenes, Cheney explains in a secret war strategy meeting how Iraq is just the first step in a leapfrog tactic to eventually capture Iran and its oil reserves, thus establishing a U.S. empire. Bush in that scene appears skeptical of Cheney’s ideas but eventually goes along with the plan after careful moral nudging from Cheney and others.
It’s in this way that the film begins as a biopic drama and then transforms into a tragedy of epic (Greek, even) proportions. By the end of the film, things are getting a little eerie as you are occaisionally reminded of Oedipus Rex.
What I’m trying to say is that this film is fucking powerful and you should see it. It is the only movie of its kind ever released during the term of the world leader it is about, making it probably the most topical biopic ever made. And on top of that, it will be talked about for decades to come, whether or not it does favorably at the box office. I give it five out of five Flaming Cocks of Justice or whatever (I should probably work on the rating system, huh?).
Anyway, check out the trailer and then go see the son of a bitch. Enjoy, dear Constant Readers.
The Third Presidential Debate, 2008, or Super Happy Fun Debate Times with John McCain, Senator Government and Joe the Plumber!
I sat down to watch the third and final Presidential Debate of 2008 Wednesday night only after I had finished eating half of a very special rice crispy treat and smoked a bit (you can infer what you will from that, Big Brother). I thought it would be the only way I could survive the desperate bitterness I was sure I would feel every time John McCain opened his mouth. As it turns out, it was the best decision I ever could have made.
I was immediately mesmerized by the ties of both candidates. Barack Obama was wearing the most stunningly red striped tie I’d ever seen, while McCain was wearing this sad blue old man tie. It was no contest. I was so mesmerized by these ties that I somehow forgot to listen to anything either of them were saying through that twenty minute period at the beginning where all the analysts seem to be saying McCain actually did well (What? Seriously?). Whatever. We all know McCain fucked up his third debate in a row, but we won’t get into that in too much depth. I’m going to try to focus on all the ways Obama did well tonight. Someone once told me I should be positive on occasion…
The debate began with moderator Bob Schieffer of CBS News asking both candidates to defend their economic plans and explain why it is better than their opponent’s. McCain succeeded only in futilely accusing Obama of “class warfare” by raising taxes in a time of economic crisis. Obama on the other hand was able to easily defend himself against those futile accusations by reminding the audience that people earning under $250,000 per year will receive a tax break and only the rich will receive a tax hike. He repeated that key statistic which seems to be bringing so many doubting lower class Republicans under his wings: 95% of Americans will receive a tax cut under his administration. McCain, of course, had no answer for this except to bring up Joe the Plumber… Holy shit…
Joe the Plumber, a.k.a. Joe Wurzelbacher the Tax-Dodger
McCain brought up an incident where this guy named Joe Wurzelbacher (pictured at left) told Barack Obama a few days before the debate that he wouldn’t be able to buy a plumbing business he’s worked in for lots of years under Barack Obama’s new tax plan. That’ right, its Wurzelbacher, not “Wurzelburger” as McCain said.
Of course, if you’ve ever listened to what Obama plans to do with his tax plan, you’d know that you won’t receive a tax increase unless you make more than $250,000 a year. So that means that Joe Wurzelbacher is rich (…in theory, right? Check out the links below…). So why was McCain calling him Joe the Plumber? It’s not like the guys ever actually put his hand in a toilet for the past few years if he’s somehow worth over $250,000 per year… right?
The answer, by the by, is that McCain wants everyone to think Obama is hiking a plumber’s taxes, which would mean that he’d hike the taxes of all lower class people by implication. It’s almost as if McCain thinks saying that Obama is going to hike poor people’s taxes all over the country will somehow make it true. Nevertheless, Obama did a fine job of reminding the American people that his tax plan was middle and lower class friendly.
By the way, Joe Wurzelbacher has no plumbing license, is not rich, and would only have his taxes increased if he bought the business, which he cannot afford to do… and he owes the state of Ohio $1,200 in unpaid income taxes.
Oh, fuck… sucks to be you right now, McCain. Have fun eating your words, fuckhead.
Who the fuck is Senator Government?
Yeah, it’s positive that Obama was able to resist the urge to skull fuck McCain after he was called Senator Government. Fuck this positive thing… I mean seriously, how evil and absent-minded do you have to be to call your Democratic opponent Senator Government and not catch yourself when you say it? Could you be advertising yourself as more of a Republican asshole, please?
Jesus… the rice crispy euphoria was wearing off far too much by the time McCain let slip the Senator Government comment. I couldn’t handle it. I started screaming and throwing beer bottles at the television. Now I’m $600 in the hole this month for a new HD flatscreen television…
Overall I was very happy with how badly McCain did and how well Obama capitalized on it. Obama was able to diffuse every single negative attack by McCain, and was also able to promote his own ideas as superior. All McCain could do was tear his opponent’s arguments down without any evidence (only the promise of evidence to come, which never comes) to back up his statements. Post-debate snap polls were right behind Obama on who made a better impression to the American people:
To sum up, things could not really be going any better for Barack Obama after this third Presidential Debate. John McCain is against the ropes in every state that matters and Barack Obama is still gaining steam in many of them. We may see a Democratic victory in this Presidential Election greater than any since the 60’s.
I mean, who can blame all these people for voting Obama? Think of the alternative: a McCain White House which becomes a Palin White House within three months after McCain succumbs to a fatal heart attack during a meeting with heads of state. Just imagine it…
P.S. You should really try to find the deer and shoot it in the palinaspresident.us link. Only then can you be a true flash game zen master…
Conclusions: Epilogue: Postscript: Outro
To sum up summing up, I found myself passed out in a dumpster somewhere across town the morning after the debate. I must have blacked out for about three to six hours. But what would you expect after shooting a lot of heroin into your eyeballs?* And how could you blame me for doing that after I’d spent ninety minutes of my life I’ll never get back looking into John McCain’s beady old eyes and seeing three letters: an D, an O and an A.
*Not actually true, Big Brother.
Yes, you, not-so-dear not-so-constant reader.
Do you realize that the people in the video below are on your side? Do you realize that you are with them?
Do you ever wonder why educated people overwhelmingly vote Democratic? Yes, that’s right. About 50% of people who identify themselves as liberal are college graduates, while only about 30% of social conservatives are college graduates. Liberals also boast the fewest high school dropouts (only 2%).
Some statistics on voting tendencies by level of education not enough to convince you? Is your nose so far up McCain’s asshole that you can’t see the facts all around you? Well how about this…?
Conservatives score lower on I.Q. tests as well. Here is a chart which contains all fifty states, the states’ average I.Q. scores, average income and which way they went in the 2004 Presidential Election (for those conservatives out there who are too stupid to know the official color of your political party, the red states voted Republican):
Average IQ Average Income '04 Electoral Result (1) Connecticut..................113 $26,979 Kerry (2) Massachusetts................111 $24,059 Kerry (3) New Jersey...................111 $26,457 Kerry (4) New York.....................109 $23,534 Kerry (5) Rhode Island.................107 $20,299 Kerry (6) Hawaii.......................106 $21,218 Kerry (7) Maryland.....................105 $22,974 Kerry (8) New Hampshire................105 $22,934 Kerry (9) Illinois.....................104 $21,608 Kerry (10) Delaware....................103 $21,451 Kerry (11) Minnesota...................102 $20,049 Kerry (12) Vermont.....................102 $18,834 Kerry (13) Washington..................102 $20,398 Kerry (14) California..................101 $21,278 Kerry (15) Pennsylvania................101 $20,253 Kerry (16) Maine.......................100 $18,226 Kerry (17) Wisconsin...................100 $18,727 Kerry (18) Virginia....................100 $20,629 Bush (19) Iowa.........................99 $18,287 Kerry (20) Oregon.......................99 $18,202 Kerry (21) Colorado.....................99 $20,124 Bush (22) Michigan.....................99 $19,508 Bush (23) Nevada.......................99 $20,266 Bush (24) Ohio.........................99 $18,624 Bush (25) Alaska.......................98 $21,603 Bush (26) Florida......................98 $19,397 Bush (27) Missouri.....................98 $18,835 Bush (28) Kansas.......................96 $19,376 Bush (29) Nebraska.....................95 $19,084 Bush (30) Arizona......................94 $17,119 Bush (31) Indiana......................94 $18,043 Bush (32) Tennessee....................94 $17,341 Bush (33) North Carolina...............93 $17,667 Bush (34) West Virginia................93 $15,065 Bush (35) Arkansas.....................92 $15,439 Bush (36) Georgia......................92 $18,130 Bush (37) Kentucky.....................92 $16,534 Bush (38) New Mexico...................92 $15,353 Bush (39) North Dakota.................92 $16,854 Bush (40) Texas........................92 $17,892 Bush (41) Alabama......................90 $16,220 Bush (42) Louisiana....................90 $15,712 Bush (43) Montana......................90 $16,062 Bush (44) Oklahoma.....................90 $16,198 Bush (45) South Dakota.................90 $16,558 Bush (46) South Carolina...............89 $15,989 Bush (47) Wyoming......................89 $17,423 Bush (48) Idaho........................87 $16,067 Bush (49) Utah.........................87 $15,325 Bush (50) Mississippi..................85 $14,088 Bush Bush..... IQ: 91 Kerry.... IQ: 128 * Borderline mental retardation is considered 75-85.
Some of you fucking people might say, “So what, Mr. Herrick? We may be more dumber than you, but we still won the last election!”
Well, to you people I would say, “Fuck off. You’re not going to win this one because the average American is getting smarter and more educated, contrary to popular belief.” Yes, that’s right, not-so-dear conservative reader; the U.S. population is becoming smarter and more educated! The average I.Q. of the common U.S. citizen is rising slowly over time, as is the percentage of people with a college education in this country (about 30% these days, and climbing steadily).
So fuck off and die, McCain/Palin supporters! Your time is nearly over anyway… You might as well go out on the front lawn and eat your gun. Soon us terrorist liberals will be in control…
Well, John McCain has made a fool of himself again. This time, he did it with lame jokes and obliquely racist comments. At one point McCain was cracking jokes about how he might need hair transplants. Then the next moment he’s saying something like this:
Just in case you think I’m pulling that out of context, here is McCain’s statement in context:
Has any other presidential candidate in history called his opponent “that one” in a formal debate on live national television? I’ve never heard of such audacity. Have you, dear Constant Reader?
Anyway, apart from his outrageous and irrelevant statements during the debate, McCain really failed to answer half the questions asked of him (again) and when he actually was attempting to answer a question instead of dodge it he failed to make any relevant point. He also completely failed to present himself as a respectable and likable person instead of the crotchety old bat that he really is. As a result of these other failures, he also did not succeed in representing himself as a legitimate leader. I’m not the only one who thinks so, either. Check out these CNN post-debate snap polls:
But lets get back to talking about how McCain is really a racist motherfucker, because that’s just more fun. A lot of people will tell you, “McCain isn’t racist! Don’t be ridiculous. He didn’t mean it that way when he said, ‘that one,’ and pointed at Obama without looking in his general direction.”
And to that I say, “Fuck you, Pat Robertson! Go die!” While you can’t prove McCain is really racist from one such comment, you can prove that McCain thinks very little of Barack Obama and his “otherness” by the way he has treated Barack Obama throughout this campaign season. In the first debate, McCain failed to even look at Obama once after they shook hands until finally the debate was over and he was forced to behave civilly in front of their wives. I’ve never heard of a candidate refusing to make eye contact with his opponent in a debate, but I guess its easier not to look at someone you are trying to villainize when you know you’re behaving immorally. But seriously, to call your opponent “that one” and to completely dismiss all of the respect Obama deserves as a member of the United States Senate? That’s outrageous. It made McCain look bad, and it really isn’t surprising that he’s sinking in the polls again for the third straight time after the third 2008 debate (that is, including the Vice Presidential Debate).
I guess I can’t be surprised that McCain is resorting to desperate attack strategies though. The focus of the race is now on the economy because of current events. Everyone and their dog knows that Obama is by far stronger on the economy and has a better plan to get us out of this mess. As long as the economy is in crisis, Obama will continue to gather defectors from McCain’s camp into his own flock. Bush‘s spending plans and economic strategies have left far too many middle class Americans naked before the flames, and McCain voted for far too many of those spending plans for most peoples’ comfort (90% of the spending plans, to be exact).
With only one debate left (televised at 6:00 pm Pacific time on Wednesday, October 15), McCain will have to dig himself out of quite a hole before election day. I doubt he will be able to do it. It’s easy to swift boat someone like John Kerry, but McCain will have to do a little better against a phenomenon like Barack Obama in order to steal this election.
For those idiots out there who want to pick away at my writing or find innaccuracies or mistruths, I will save you the trouble of muddling through YouTube to find a video of the second debate (see below). Oh, and to those red state readers out there who are going to write me angry emails in just that vein, I have this to say: Fuck off and die! It’s all blue states this year, baby! Yeah, that’s right! America is going to choose that one…