Eschatology for Modern Living

Archive for December, 2008

The New Apocalypse: Special Christmas Edition

funny_christmas_pictures_161Enough politics, I thought as I woke up in a pool of my own vomit under the Christmas tree in my living room this morning. I had been drinking heavily the night before and experimenting with… well… you get the idea. I had been planning on writing something for the blog today before I descended into the annual two days of living hell and oblivion that I call Christmas with my family, but until I woke up under my soiled Christmas tree, I only knew that I needed a break from arguing with retards about political maneuverings.

tit-jesusIt was at that moment as I sat gathering my wits beneath the tree’s twinkling lights that I decided I would spend my blog today debunking the myth of Christmas as the birth date of Jesus Christ (pictured at left).

Some of you readers out there may be offended that I would even think of questioning 2,000 years of “beautiful” Christian tradition, but I assure you my assertions about Christ’s actual birth date are grounded in reason and research. I would never even think of debunking a thing like this in a disrespectful manner or without taking special considerations for the feelings of the people it might affect… Wait, yes I would.

You see, I know some things that many of you Christians out there may not know and in this post I’m going to tell you all about them. Yes, I’m going to burst the comfortable little Judeo-Christian bubble you seem to live in. To be honest, I’m amazed that in the wake of a so-called Enlightenment and with today’s technology and scientific reason that people haven’t thought of this sooner. It’s really common sense: how could a baby possibly survive a night of literally freezing temperatures in the middle of a Bethlehem winter in a fucking manger without dying of exposure? Bethlehem can be fucking cold in late December, and they think it used to be even colder back then!

r309758_1360598In any case, an Australian astronomer named Dave Reneke (pictured at right) recently asserted that based on the night sky, the activities of people and the weather as described in the Gospels — as well as on advanced astronomical course-charting software of some kind or another — Jesus Christ was actually born on June 17th and not December 25th, as previously surmised by almost everybody. Turns out a couple planets (Venus and Jupiter) appeared very close together as one brilliant object in the night sky around the date of June 17th in the year of Christ’s birth. This is the most likely explanation of what the three wise men were following when they saw the “Star of Bethlehem.”

So why then would the Church have declared so long ago that they knew with certainty the birth date of Jesus Christ was December 25th and that we should celebrate it by throwing crap onto a tree and giving each other material possessions as gifts? (Never mind that Jesus repeatedly denounced material possessions as sinful and encouraged his followers to get rid of them.)

Well, it turns out that for a long time no one knew when Christ was born. It wasn’t even until around 500 C.E. that December 25th became popularized as the birth date of Jesus. The earliest record of a celebration of Christ’s birth actually occurs in Egypt around 200 C.E. when Clement of Alexandria wrote about a group of Egyptian Christians celebrating the birth of their Lord on May 20th (which is actually closer to our Australian astronomer’s date).

In different parts of the Christian world between roughly 400 C.E. and 600 C.E., Christian rulers started to decree that Christ’s birth should be celebrated symbolically by tacking it onto the end of another holiday called Epiphany on January 6th (though that holiday focuses on the baptism of Christ, not his actual birth). Not long after that, Christians started to spread like wildfire through the land, and quite a few heads of state started to become Christian. It was at this point in history that the early Catholic Church decided to use its political power to get rid of so-called “pagan” religions by absorbing their peoples and their holidays into the Christian faith when they were conquered and “converted.”


Please note: not an authentic Germanic pagan festival tree.

You see, Germanic pagans used to celebrate this thing they called Dies Natalis Solis Invicti (meaning “the birthday of the unconquered Sun”) roughly around the solstice (which they celebrated on the 25th of December). The customs of their celebration — which had been going on traditionally since the late third century — included many traditions we would recognize today long before Christianity ever got its hands on the holiday: the baked ham, the “yule” goat (where else do you think we got that weird ass word “yule”?), stuffing stockings full of trinkets, and the decorating of trees in the center of the village with candles to imitate the image of stars twinkling in the heavens (after all, “the birthday of the unconquered Sun” was a celestial holiday originally).

When Germanic pagans got their asses kicked by Rome and its Church, Catholics decided it was time to make the date official, and they started declaring publicly that crazy new “Biblical research” placed Jesus’ birthday on the 25th of December and we should all start celebrating it formally on that day. History is written by the victors, as they say…


What? Did you think ancient Romans gave each other pieces of shit like this with a greeting card attached?

Alright, I guess I’ve shattered the fragile little mental world of enough Christians for one day. It’s time for me to clean up the tree, get a shower, and wrap some more of this cheap shit I bought for my family. Maybe I should think about sprinkling some powdered milk inside this sweater I got for my uncle (seriously, best prank ever; look it up).

Hope you enjoyed this special Christmas edition of The New Apocalypse. Just wait for the special Valentine’s Day edition where I write all about how virgins used to be paraded around ancient Roman towns so single men could fling bloody animal innards at them to bless them for fertility rites during the festival of Lupercalia on February 14th… until Christianity came along to save the day and rewrite history of course. Coincidence? You decide, dear Constant Reader.

But seriously… happy fucking holidays, everybody. I’ll be seeing you in 2009.


Even Greater Idiocy From the Right: Will It Never End?


Sidney Allen Johnson in 1990 with what I can only assume was his fourteen-year-old crack whore at the time: "Victoria." I'm not making this up; it's all on his website at

It seems we haven’t heard enough from Sidney Allen Johnson (click on his name to check out his MySpace for reals), the subject of ridicule in the previous post. In response to his lambasting there, Mr. Johnson thought it would be in his best interest to post another even more offensive comment. This time, I thought it would be best to leave his full statement off of my blog and only include the parts which would not get my column banned from WordPress due to vulgar hate speech. Here those parts are:

“Defending Islam is a fools errand. No religion has killed more people, and they are equal opportunity killers… Obama’s vote total only proves how easily you left wing wackos are to deceive. You have voted for death… your own. Lets see: questionable citizenship, a socialist and a desire for a national security force under executive control. That worked out well in the 1930’s didn’t it!”

I wonder why Mr. Johnson’s George W. Bush brand of neoconservative politics didn’t get back into the White House with John McCain as its champion… Oh yeah, because these people make themselves look like idiots so I don’t even have to.

The Crusades, as invisioned by modern Christian quilters.

The Crusades, as invisioned by modern Christian quilters.

Look at the shit this shithead says: “No religion has killed more people”? Are you serious? Islam lost the Crusades, Johnson you dumb ass. Muslims may have killed a fair number of folks back in the Dark Ages, but who didn’t? You want to know what religion killed the most people back then, and continues to persecute others in any way it can today? I’ll tell you: hard-line “orthodox” Christianity!

I’m not even going to argue about that, though. I don’t have the energy. It’s really another post entirely; I promise to someday spend that time writing that post ripping Christianity a new arsehole, but for now I need to focus on ripping out other assholes: namely that of Mr. Johnson, who also claimed that President-elect Barack Obama has questionable citizenship and is a Socialist. Are you kidding?

Mr. Johnson would get along quite well with the bonafide retard who filed a Supreme Court case which alleges Obama is not eligible to become President because he is not a natural born U.S. citizen. I really hate to be the one that bursts Mr. Johnson’s bubble (wait, no I’m not), but Barack Obama was born in Hawaii and has a birth certificate from that state, and at least one of his parents was a natural born U.S. citizen themselves. That’s all you fucking need to become a fucking natural fucking born U.S. citizen, idiots! Stop arguing about this!

Since Barack Obama is now going to be the President, his birth certificate is a matter of public record and its really no secret. Nor is there any doubt that he has the fucking social security number for that matter. He wouldn’t have gotten this far without records, people.

By the way, the Supreme Court has agreed not to even hear the case in question because they all think its fundamentally retarded. And lets not forget that the current Supreme Court has a Republican majority, so the case must have been really bonkers if they had a chance to get rid of Barack Obama and they decided not to. Here is the fucking birth certificate if you still think I’m in on some nut job left-wing conspiracy:


By the by, look at that “controversial” little middle name there: Hussein. Yes, Barack Hussein Obama. Our President-elect’s middle name is Hussein, as in “Saddam Hussein.” Can you fucking deal with it already people?!?! Dear Constant Readers, can you believe that people were even asking Barack Obama if he would use his middle name during his inauguration? Of course he will! Every President ever has used their middle name in their inauguration!

The tyrant of Iraq himself in his final... and very pathetic... days.

The tyrant of Iraq himself in his final... and very pathetic... days.

Why wouldn’t Barack Obama use in his inauguration a common name in many parts of the world which means “handsome” or “good,” given to him by his father (a Kenyan, let me remind you) at his birth in 1961 before the more infamous Saddam Hussein ever came to power or even got out of prison?!?!

As for being a Socialist: John McCain saying Barack Obama was a socialist over and over throughout the campaign didn’t make him one, and Mr. Johnson saying it over and over again won’t have any greater measure of success. By the way, since “the Liberals” orchestrated their take-over plot by collapsing the economy and getting that 700 billion dollar bail-out through Congress (oh, wait… didn’t the G.O.P. have something to do with that?), we’re all Socialists now. I mean, our banks are socialized anyway… Next is health care… Bwahahahahahahaha!!! Victory for the Proletariat!!! (I’m sorry, isn’t that what you were expecting to read, Mr. Johnson you paranoid lunatic?)

As for a national security force under executive control, when the fuck has Barack Obama said he wanted another one of those? He already has a national security force under executive control: the fucking U.S. Military, Johnson you neanderthal. And that was created a hell of a lot earlier than the 1930’s. What the fuck are you talking about, Johnson?!

But let me get back to talking about colossally stupid financial bail-out plans: did y’all hear about this U.S. auto-manufacturer bail-out nonsense. The bail-out plan to rescue the troubled U.S. auto-makers from a financial ruin which would also leave millions of Americans jobless was just stalled in the Senate recently by a couple of vocal G.O.P. assholes. These motherfuckers said they couldn’t pass a bill which wouldn’t have “responsible” cutbacks in salary and wages for U.S. auto-workers.

The U.S. auto industry bail-out plan, as invisioned by the G.O.P.

The U.S. auto industry bail-out plan, as invisioned by the G.O.P.

What kind of “responsible” cuts would those be? Those auto-workers are blameless. It’s the fucking executives born with silver spoons in their assholes who don’t know how to run a company which are to blame, and they are the only people that should suffer in this whole equation. But as it stands, Republicans have proven once again that their lunatic leaders are assholes who want only to bring this country crashing down into a complete economic meltdown. Now we’re just hoping Bush will stop sitting on his hands and release some funds from the T.A.R.P. to ease the stress on the automotive industry and prevent its imminent collapse. And well all know how optimistic we should be about that since Bush has said he doesn’t want to do anything of the sort (though he has recently softened that stance to a lazy, “I’ll think about it in a few days after I finish shitting out this greasy kielbasa sausage…”). To sum up, the neoconservatives are trying to destroy the country before Obama can even take office. And if people don’t get off their asses, the neoconservatives might even do it.

I’m starting to get worried, people. We could lose about 3,000,000 more jobs before Barack Obama even has a chance to say the name “Hussein” during a Presidential Inauguration. We’re talking Second Great Depression time, dear Constant Readers. There are a lot of “ifs” there but nonetheless we should all be very careful in the coming months and be wary of assholes like Sidney Allen Johnson and his cronies.

It’s just as my good friend’s grandfather once said: “Basically, people are no damn good.” If we can all accept that one foundational truth of the world, we might come out of this mess okay.