Eschatology for Modern Living

Voting in Oregon: It’s Swell!

Because I live in Oregon, I get one of those peachy little vote-by-mail ballots every election year. Oregon is one of only two states that is completely vote-by-mail (the other being Washington), though several other states are in the process of joining the march into the future, and convenience. In places like Maine, Maryland and South Dakota, absentee ballots may be requested without any explanation.

As you can see from the picture above, the vote-by-mail method allows me to relax at my dining room table with my voter’s guides, ballot, cell phone, my laptop for instant research and a nice cool glass of water all spread out in front of me. Conclusions: I’m in favor of voting through the mail. It rocks cock. My own opinion notwithstanding, though, people have criticized the vote-by-mail system in various ways:

Some say it destroys the American tradition of going to a polling place; I guess for black people in the South that means that they would miss out on all the fun of being beaten to death in a public place because they voted for an anti-segregation candidate. No, I don’t think anyone under the age of fifty is ever really going to miss the voting booth.

Some folks think that it removes our ability to make sure there is no voter harassment. These people argue that – for instance – a dominant spouse might pressure their significant other to “vote the right way.” While it is true that some of this might (unfortunately) happen, I think that the number of people who have extra time because of vote-by-mail to research the issues and vote in an educated fashion far outnumbers the people who get threatened into voting a certain way within the privacy of their own home.

Some say it does not actually increase voter turnout. It may be true that voter turnout is the same either way, but think of all the people who try to vote the traditional way but can’t because they’re called in to work overtime when they had been planning on voting that night… What’s the call, Bob the steel worker? You going to get enough money to feed your family tonight, or are you going to vote? No, I think vote-by-mail – or at least the option to vote by mail without explanation – is superior to voting in that vinyl death trap: the voting booth.

Another group of worrisome assholes says that its easier to tamper with a vote-by-mail ballot than a traditional ballot. Trust me; it’s safe. Just follow this four-step process:

1) Place the folded ballot into the security envelope (pictured).

2) Place the security envelope, with the ballot therein, into the mailing envelope (pictured).

3) Sign the mailing envelope in the designated spot (as pictured).

4) Put the bitch in the mail or drop it in a ballot box on election day (standard underhand mail-dropping technique pictured). And no, my name is not really C. Phan.

There are not enough amateur vote-tampering assholes out there to amount to anything notable, and the idea of orchestrating a giant vote-by-mail-fraud conspiracy (which would take massive numbers of people participating at an unprecedented level) without anyone slipping up or spilling the beans is incomprehensible.

Anyway, the best part about vote-by-mail is that it allows you the luxury of smoking a certain something out of a pipe while you fill out the ole’ ballot. I did that while I voted today. That’s right… I smoked tobacco. Sorry, Big Brother. Not going to give in that easy… But anyway, if you’re a “Joe Six-Pack” and you’re not comfortable with all that consciousness-expanding… um… tobacco, you could always just get drunk while you vote. Hell, I did that too.

God bless America. God bless Oregon. Fuck yeah.

For Oregon Voters Only: Now that I have your attention, let me nag you about some local measures…

If you’re voting in Oregon, the marks on your ballot had better match the ones on mine in the following areas:

That’s right: a big fat NO on all of those. In short, those measures fuck the following people in the ass: Hispanic Americans, poor people, teachers, people who smoke pot and taxpayers, the school system, unions of any kind and candidates from independent parties, respectively. (Note that the people fucked by a “yes” vote on any of these measures are not limited to the aforementioned groups; those groups merely make up the bulk of those fucked.)

If the measures on your Oregon ballot look different from the list above in any way, you are a social conservative moron asshole and I will break into your house at night, cut out your tongue, bind you to the bedpost and make you watch while I tear your wife in half. Then I’m going to use your own ballot to paper cut your throat repeatedly until you bleed to death.

That is all.


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