The Morning After the Election: Waking Up in the Antichrist’s New America
Dawn has broken over a United States of America transformed. The world will never be the same as it was when we woke up on the morning of November 4th, 2008. This morning is a new morning, full of sweet promise for most and full of bitter defeat for the rest.
To think that in March of 2008 some crazy Christians started saying that Barack Obama was the Antichrist (crazy propaganda found on 4chan.org pictured at right) because he fit the following criteria:
- He is a man (check).
- He is in his 40’s (check, gotcha).
- He will have massive Christ-like appeal (okay, I guess I can see that comparison; he is pretty popular).
- He will deceive the nation with persuasive language (uh, did Obama ever lie once during the election?).
- He will promise false hope and world peace and people will flock to him (um… correct me if I’m wrong, but neither candidate was running on a world peace platform, though I guess Obama did use the word “hope” during his campaign and people are sure as hell flocking to him).
- He will be of Muslim descent (okay, argument over; you crazy Christian assholes lose; Obama is Christian and was baptized in the Trinity United Church of Christ in 1988; that means he is a reasonable Christian who wants to help people instead of destroy them like you).
With all of that religious swift-boating propaganda behind us, it’s 10:00 a.m. pacific time on November 5th, 2008 and the current electoral vote count is 349 for Barack Obama and 163 for John McCain. Two states – Missouri and North Carolina – haven’t yet been called by most respectable outlets, but I’m going to go ahead and call them…
Missouri Goes to McCain
Missouri will go red with McCain bringing in 50% of the vote over Obama’s 49%. McCain is currently winning this state by only about 6,000 votes with 100% of precincts reporting, so they are counting carefully there. But I’m going to give McCain – who, let me remind you, has already lost – the benefit of the doubt and say he wins this state.
North Carolina Goes to Obama
I’m going to go ahead and call North Carlolina for Barack Obama. The President-elect is bringing in 50% of the vote in North Carolina compared to McCain’s 49%. Obama is currently up by about 12,000 votes in North Carolina with 100% of precincts reporting.
So what does that mean?
Well, I’ll tell you. It means I was right when I said a week before the election that Obama would win with 360 electoral votes to McCain’s 178 (well, almost; things went even a little better than I thought they would). With North Carolina going for Obama and Missouri going for McCain, that puts the final electoral vote count as follows:
Barack Obama 364
John McCain 174
I hate to be the kind of person who says, “I told you so,” but… wait a damn minute! I love saying, “I told you so!” I fucking told you so, America! Despite the fact that all my liberal friends and acquaintances were scared to death McCain was going to pull some kind of rabbit from his top hat in the final days of the election, I remained unafraid on the eve of the ballot count. While my friends and I sat down to watch the election coverage after a lovely Thai dinner, they were nervously buzzing before the television was turned on. Then, twenty minutes later – at 8:00 pm Pacific time – the election was called in Barack Obama’s favor as the results of Washington, California and my home state of Oregon came over the wires. It was only twenty minutes of election night angst for them before I could start dancing and screaming, “I told you so, motherfuckers!” And I had been smoking and relaxing since I’d gotten home from work, drinking coffee and beer. In other words, it was the most relaxing election night I’ve ever experienced, and the most gratifying.
The Implications of Having a Black Dude in the White House
A lot of people are wondering: what do the results of this election mean for America? Well, since I’m busy telling you what to think about everything else, I’ll tell you about that too…
America has finally proved that – while many of us are still racist assholes – most of us are (somewhat slightly) enlightened people who do not believe black people are inferior, and we really can’t get too grandiose and pretend this means much more than that. Racism still exists, and don’t let Bill O’Reilly, Pat Robertson or anyone else tell you different. ‘Nuff said there.
What about Implications for the Democratic and Republican Parties?
The real news is this: neoconservative Republican politics is dead and in the ground. After two landslides for Bill Clinton and a landslide for Obama, the country has said firmly for the past two decades that it is a left-leaning nation. Those two elections which George W. Bush won (well, sort of) by narrow pissant margins have today been revealed for what they are: flashes in the pan.
I compare the neoconservative victories in 2000 an 2004 to what scientists call an extinction burst: a sudden resurgence in a negative behavior or a viral infection before it burns out completely and disappears.
Am I saying that Republicans will disappear? No. I’m simply saying that the new Republican party cannot afford to let itself be run by evil dictators in disguise like the Bushes, who use people like Karl Rove to steal their elections. If the Republican party wants to survive in the future, it will have to change itself into a more palatable organization which accepts that they are in the minority and most Americans will disagree with them on all the issues that matter. In other words, Republicans have hit the wall and they will adapt into something we can all respect or they will eventually die and be replaced years from now by something like a Democratic monopoly or – holy shit – a system where Independent candidates can actually run for election in a major office and win.
How do I know a Democratic shift is happening in this country and will continue to happen in the future? Well, I’ll tell you. As I said before in “Further Proof that McCain/Palin Supporters are Retarded…” trends show that more and more people will continue to become more educated, more intelligent, and will continue to register Democrat in greater numbers. Meanwhile, Republican supporters (pictured at left) continue to dwindle as time marches onward.
If all of that previous information isn’t enough to convince you, the National Student Mock Election, which just closed at 12:00 p.m. eastern time on November 4th, shows 64.12% of the popular vote going for Obama and only 32.31% for McCain. For those of you who don’t know, this mock election has students participating all around the country in high schools and middle schools, and most of its participants will be able to vote in the 2012 Presidential election. If I were a Democratic candidate in the next Presidential election, I would be pretty happy to know that two thirds of first-time voters will probably be registering Democrat.
To sum up, the American People have been fooled by Bush and his neoconservative friends before, but they were not fooled this year by neoconservative predators like John McCain and Sarah Palin posing as maverick house pets. As W. said…
Good work, America. Way to get a black guy into the Oval Office. Way to change history. Way to shove your collective boot up John McCain’s withered old ass. At least for the next four years, we can tell lunatic fringe right-wing conservatives to fuck off, eat shit and – most importantly – die.
A Night at the Movies with George W. Bush
If you look over a list of films by Oliver Stone, you begin to see a pattern: all of them are controversial, topical, relevant and brilliant (except for Alexander and World Trade Center; those were pieces of shit). Oliver Stone’s latest film, W., is no exception to the brilliance of his earlier career. He has fully redeemed himself for the terrible transgressions of Alexander and World Trade Center (god, the hours I lost watching those…). I’m just going to come out and say it: In W. Oliver Stone has made the most important film of his career and will probably never top it.
If Platoon and Born on the Fourth of July were critiques on the terrible machine of modern warfare, if Wall Street was a critique on the greed and corruption of the financial machine in this nation, if Natural Born Killers and Any Given Sunday are critiques on the twisted bent or utter irrelevancy of modern media, if Nixon is a critique of corruption in modern politics, then W. is an utter fucking slap in the face to George W. Bush and everything that has allowed his administration to happen. Wow, that was quite an “if, then” statement.
The most terrible tragedy of George W. Bush’s life and of our generation is that George W. Bush is actually a fairly likable guy when you meet him and just shoot the shit about football. Pretty much everyone who meets him in real life thinks so. That’s why the motherfucker got elected. How else do you think it happened? It’s not because he has good policies or is very smart, now is it? Anyway, enough of that tangent. Even Elizabeth Banks (playing Laura Bush), who met the Bushes once at a White House screening of Seabiscuit, said that while she utterly loathes Bush’s politics, she found him to be a very charming and funny.
I ate another special rice crispy treat before going into the theater on the opening night of W. and boy was I happy I did… The special treat allowed me to relax a bit, and thus relax my raging hatred of George W. Bush for a time. While my defenses were down, I was struck by Josh Brolin‘s rendering of George W. Bush as a confused young man who wants only to do right by his father (played gloriously by James Cromwell) but is constantly overshadowed by him and his brother Jeb. I’m just going to come out and say it: I felt sad and sorry for George W. Bush, the evil dictator himself.
That is to say, the film served as a reminder to me that I should passionately hate Bush the Politician and leave Bush the Man alone. Bush was not a villain in the film; he was a likable and charming young man who was turned into a likeable and hatable pawn in his autumn years by puppet masters like Dick Cheney (played hauntingly by Richard Dreyfuss) and Karl Rove (played by Toby Jones). No, this movie does not excuse Bush. His tragic flaw in this film is his total inability to finish what he starts or to think a course of action through before it ruins him. The movie merely reminds us that there are far more people to blame than just Bush alone for what has happened under this administration; this is where the villains like Rove and Cheney enter the story of W. and muck things up for our hero (?) by exploiting his tragic flaw.
Dreyfuss plays Cheney with a perfect level of private malevolence. In one of my favorite scenes, Cheney explains in a secret war strategy meeting how Iraq is just the first step in a leapfrog tactic to eventually capture Iran and its oil reserves, thus establishing a U.S. empire. Bush in that scene appears skeptical of Cheney’s ideas but eventually goes along with the plan after careful moral nudging from Cheney and others.
It’s in this way that the film begins as a biopic drama and then transforms into a tragedy of epic (Greek, even) proportions. By the end of the film, things are getting a little eerie as you are occaisionally reminded of Oedipus Rex.
What I’m trying to say is that this film is fucking powerful and you should see it. It is the only movie of its kind ever released during the term of the world leader it is about, making it probably the most topical biopic ever made. And on top of that, it will be talked about for decades to come, whether or not it does favorably at the box office. I give it five out of five Flaming Cocks of Justice or whatever (I should probably work on the rating system, huh?).
Anyway, check out the trailer and then go see the son of a bitch. Enjoy, dear Constant Readers.
Further Proof that McCain/Palin Supporters are Retarded…
If you’re reading this and you support John McCain and Sarah Palin, please give me the pleasure of being the first to tell you that you are mentally retarded.
Yes, you, not-so-dear not-so-constant reader.
Do you realize that the people in the video below are on your side? Do you realize that you are with them?
Do you ever wonder why educated people overwhelmingly vote Democratic? Yes, that’s right. About 50% of people who identify themselves as liberal are college graduates, while only about 30% of social conservatives are college graduates. Liberals also boast the fewest high school dropouts (only 2%).
Some statistics on voting tendencies by level of education not enough to convince you? Is your nose so far up McCain’s asshole that you can’t see the facts all around you? Well how about this…?
Conservatives score lower on I.Q. tests as well. Here is a chart which contains all fifty states, the states’ average I.Q. scores, average income and which way they went in the 2004 Presidential Election (for those conservatives out there who are too stupid to know the official color of your political party, the red states voted Republican):
Average IQ Average Income '04 Electoral Result (1) Connecticut..................113 $26,979 Kerry (2) Massachusetts................111 $24,059 Kerry (3) New Jersey...................111 $26,457 Kerry (4) New York.....................109 $23,534 Kerry (5) Rhode Island.................107 $20,299 Kerry (6) Hawaii.......................106 $21,218 Kerry (7) Maryland.....................105 $22,974 Kerry (8) New Hampshire................105 $22,934 Kerry (9) Illinois.....................104 $21,608 Kerry (10) Delaware....................103 $21,451 Kerry (11) Minnesota...................102 $20,049 Kerry (12) Vermont.....................102 $18,834 Kerry (13) Washington..................102 $20,398 Kerry (14) California..................101 $21,278 Kerry (15) Pennsylvania................101 $20,253 Kerry (16) Maine.......................100 $18,226 Kerry (17) Wisconsin...................100 $18,727 Kerry (18) Virginia....................100 $20,629 Bush (19) Iowa.........................99 $18,287 Kerry (20) Oregon.......................99 $18,202 Kerry (21) Colorado.....................99 $20,124 Bush (22) Michigan.....................99 $19,508 Bush (23) Nevada.......................99 $20,266 Bush (24) Ohio.........................99 $18,624 Bush (25) Alaska.......................98 $21,603 Bush (26) Florida......................98 $19,397 Bush (27) Missouri.....................98 $18,835 Bush (28) Kansas.......................96 $19,376 Bush (29) Nebraska.....................95 $19,084 Bush (30) Arizona......................94 $17,119 Bush (31) Indiana......................94 $18,043 Bush (32) Tennessee....................94 $17,341 Bush (33) North Carolina...............93 $17,667 Bush (34) West Virginia................93 $15,065 Bush (35) Arkansas.....................92 $15,439 Bush (36) Georgia......................92 $18,130 Bush (37) Kentucky.....................92 $16,534 Bush (38) New Mexico...................92 $15,353 Bush (39) North Dakota.................92 $16,854 Bush (40) Texas........................92 $17,892 Bush (41) Alabama......................90 $16,220 Bush (42) Louisiana....................90 $15,712 Bush (43) Montana......................90 $16,062 Bush (44) Oklahoma.....................90 $16,198 Bush (45) South Dakota.................90 $16,558 Bush (46) South Carolina...............89 $15,989 Bush (47) Wyoming......................89 $17,423 Bush (48) Idaho........................87 $16,067 Bush (49) Utah.........................87 $15,325 Bush (50) Mississippi..................85 $14,088 Bush Bush..... IQ: 91 Kerry.... IQ: 128 * Borderline mental retardation is considered 75-85.
I think we should all take a moment to congratulate the good citizens of Mississippi, whose average I.Q. score is legally classified as borderline mental retardation.
Some of you fucking people might say, “So what, Mr. Herrick? We may be more dumber than you, but we still won the last election!”
Well, to you people I would say, “Fuck off. You’re not going to win this one because the average American is getting smarter and more educated, contrary to popular belief.” Yes, that’s right, not-so-dear conservative reader; the U.S. population is becoming smarter and more educated! The average I.Q. of the common U.S. citizen is rising slowly over time, as is the percentage of people with a college education in this country (about 30% these days, and climbing steadily).
So fuck off and die, McCain/Palin supporters! Your time is nearly over anyway… You might as well go out on the front lawn and eat your gun. Soon us terrorist liberals will be in control…
Upton Charles
H.J. Herrick
The New Apocalypse 
There’s a New Game in Town
Author’s Note: What follows is an excerpt from today’s new post to Disputationes, the debate and dialectics blog recently undertaken by Comrade Richard “Bingo” Little and myself. What you read here is the beginning of my point: that everything is doomed to oblivion. On Disputationes, you’ll find the rest of my argument as well as Comrade Bingo’s counterpoint (which I must grudgingly admit is quite astute — but still wrong, damn it!). I’m very excited to be launching this new blogging venture with my partner Comrade Bingo, and I hope you’ll follow us there as well, dear Constant Reader.
Pessimus, or Everything is Horrible
By H.J. Herrick
So here is how I find myself in this position… After disappearing from public life for some months while serving a brief jail sentence for some trumped up bullshit, I emerged from solitary confinement to go on a horrific month-long ether, psychedelic mushroom and booze-fueled binge across Oregon. While drinking moonshine under a bridge somewhere (I think I was in Marion County, but I blacked out for a few days here and there, so who knows?) I came across my old colleague and friend, Comrade Richard “Bingo” Little. Always the chipper lad, Comrade Bingo had plenty of nice things to say about my needing to buck up and look on the bright side of Life. Naturally, I snorted some strong uppers and composed myself so I could argue the opposite position: that Life and the World are twin Dogs from Hell snarling and gnashing teeth, ready to rend our balls from our bodies. I argued that nothing could be done to better my situation, or the World’s. I was doomed. We were all doomed. But he persisted. Eventually we argued to an impasse, and agreed to continue the debate later in a more civilized forum. So here I am, in this new area and back at the typewriter, arguing the case on the behalf of Chaos and Misery. I’m sure he’ll tell you all about that contrary “The World is a wounded unicorn searching for a healing rainbow” bullshit later, but for now it’s time to sink your teeth into some real meaty and awful rotten stuff: Reality.
Follow the rest of the post here!
January 23, 2012 | Categories: Commentary, Humor, Opinion, Philosophy, Websites | Tags: Debate, dialectics, H.J. Herrick, pessimism, Politics, richard little | Leave a comment